What is the cost of not putting your own life jacket on first?
You are drowning in the sea of life, perhaps you are in extremely difficult circumstances, maybe recent events have really unseated you, anxiety, stress, worry, depression, ruminating thoughts, anger, demands of others or your own ill-health conditions are being layered so much that you are sinking under the weight.
Which one are you?
Someone throws you a life jacket, you put it on, grab their hand and let them help you out of the deep water?
Someone throws you a life jacket, you look at it, think that is not for me and continue flailing and drowning hoping that something magical is going to appear to make it all go away.
Someone throws you a life jacket and you throw it right back.
I have observed many people do all of these things, some of them have contacted me for help, then done one of the last two, I really hope that they have found the right life jacket for them or decided that they actually do need one and shouted for it.
But above all, it is these people that concern me most:
Someone throws them a life jacket, they look around them, see another person drowning and give them their life jacket – repeatedly, over and over again.
These people are exhausted, they have been keeping their head above water for so long that they do not know how to get out of the water, it now seems unfamiliar, they have become so accustomed to giving their life jacket away that they don’t even think to put one on themselves so that they can go and help the others without drowning themselves.
If that is you, then the first step is to recognise your patterns, recognise that you have an unconscious need to prioritise others over yourself, that you do not see yourself as a priority in the sea of life. That you have a drive to help others, to care, to be considerate and to support and usually at the expense of yourself.
How does somebody learn to be this way? It is not to say that we should not help others, on the contrary, if your life jacket is secure, you are fit and healthy, well-nourished, you can set about swimming to your heart’s content to help others put their life jackets on and guide them out of their sea of difficulty. In my experience, this is how someone learns that everyone else deserves a life jacket more than they do:
They were criticised as a child, learning to stop loving self rather than the person criticising them.
They found themselves in situations where they felt worthless and saw all the world in this way.
They received praise or recognition for helping others and continued to do this to receive a level of self-worth.
As a child, they were reprimanded for being selfish to the point of uncomfortable and started being completely selfless to gain approval.
Depending on what description you prefer, these personality behaviour traits are often described as ‘the pleaser’, ‘the carer’, ‘the helper’, the ‘giver’.
The problem is that they have learnt to do this so well that they themselves feel utterly depleted.
So, if this resonates with you, then I ask you to consider this:
What would life be like if you could help others from a place of being on the lifeboat, wearing and armed with as many life jackets as you need, to reach out and help those who need one, even jumping into the sea of life and helping others to put their life jacket on, knowing how to get back on the boat, dry out, being replenished with food, drink and sleep and having resources available to you that you draw upon?
5 steps to balancing out the pleaser, helper, giver in you:
1. Learn to say no if you are not wearing your life jacket and ready to rescue
2. Learn that you cannot rescue everyone, especially those who do not want to be rescued
3. Make a promise to yourself that, in the event of you flailing, you will rescue yourself first
4. In the event of a major rescue, have downtime to recuperate before heading out again
5. Learn to say no (probably the most difficult thing to learn, but learn you must)
If you recognise that this could be you, an easy way to redress the balance so that you learn that you are equally as important as others is to write down one thing that you are going to do for yourself, that enables you to feel restored, nourished, and replenished. Write it at the top of any to-do list you may have. Do this every day, make it the first thing that you prioritise. Then at the end of the day, record or reflect on all the things that you have done that have replenished you (putting your own life jacket on you first).
If you do find yourself drowning, reach out to others, we are designed to live in a community, a tribe, of about 30-50 people. Modern life, nuclear families and distance between families has undermined this very way of living where there would be an abundance of people to help you put your life jacket on and guide you out of the sea of difficulty and an abundance of people to support anyone who is flailing.