What is Covert Narcissistic Hoovering?

I’ve written about Narcissism and its effects before but some of the more covert behaviours are not so well documented.

We are often aware of the three phases of a Narcissistic relationship, commonly known as:

Adornment or love bombing

Devaluing or undermining

Discarding or ditching

There are many other traits, that when combined, can determine if a person has NPD and these are for a psychologist to determine. What I specialise in doing is allowing my clients to be aware of the cause and effect of these traits and how they can manage their own responses to them.

For if you try to change a narcissist, you’ll be setting yourself up for failure. This is because the very idea that they may be responsible for some unacceptable behaviour is beyond their cognitive comprehension.

In this blog, I’ll be talking about hoovering - even the word gives you an insight as to what this means.

This is a trait that is exercised by some Narcissists, mostly covert (CN’s) in order to prevent someone from moving on from the relationship and when done well, can keep someone feeling stuck in a cycle of the 3 phases, only to be sucked back in again and the 3 phases repeated over and over again.

So what is hoovering?

After the adornment, love bombing; followed by the devaluing and undermining; then the discarding or ditching, comes the phase of hoovering.

The CN (I’ll use this as it seems to be the most common personality trait to use this method) will recognise that now you have been subjected to the 3 phases you are moving away from them and take action by doing all the things that they used to do that you originally fell in love with - they become Prince(ss) Charming again.

This may be being lavish with their words of praise, promising you the future you desire so much, telling you how much they love you and couldn’t possibly be without you. How they would fall apart without you, that you mean the world to them.

CN’s observe you, they learn what your Achilles heel is and then use it to their advantage to beguile you into believing that they are truly remorseful.

They will even apologise for any hurt that they may have caused you in a way that is truly believable, that tugs on your heartstrings and your compassionate nature, you feel loved, wanted and needed, so you give them another chance, and another, and another until you accept that this is the way that it is.

Perhaps you have gotten so far into this cycle that you now blame yourself - the word ‘always’ resonates around your head - you always:

Forgive them

Take them back

See it from their perspective and accept the blame.

You’ve done it so many times before, how can you possibly stop now? And that is precisely what they are hoping for - even expecting. They have you wrapped around their finger in a cycle of confusing and chaotic beliefs that keep you stuck.

Then things are great for a while, you think you’ve made the right decision - then the cycle starts again. each and every time, your self-worth and value eroded.

They become distant, pulling away.

They act in ways that confuse you.

They start doing passive/aggressive things that devalue and undermine you.

You start to pull away, become distant yourself.

Then they come back to hoover you up again, knowing your Achilles heel, knowing your triggers, knowing what will change your mind and elicit forgiveness in you.

For the CN, it is ALL about control. It is all about thinking that they are superior to you, that they know you better than you do and that they know EXACTLY how to get you back, how far they can push you away before they need to pull the strings again.

The first step in starting the journey of detaching yourself from this cycle of abuse is to recognise that it is happening. Once you have established the recognisable pattern of the past, you can then start to change your response.

This takes stoic confidence to stick to your guns, to make a commitment to yourself that enough is enough, that you are no longer willing to be another person’s puppet.

In my experience, this requires support from a coach or a therapist as most people who have been on the receiving end usually lack confidence and self-belief to have the wherewithal to do it on their own. Their self-worth and confidence have been eroded, over time, by the CN until they are a shadow of their former selves. They often feel shame at having been hoodwinked or sucked in.

My answer to that is - you are the survivor. You have the emotional resilience to be admired and have more ability to exit this cycle of abuse than you could ever believe of yourself. Your freedom is yours to have, with a little help to take it back, after all, it was yours in the first place.