Learning to set clear boundaries with you for a happier life
I’ve spoken about boundary setting before in my article Learning to set and maintain boundaries and this article was directed towards setting clear boundaries with others.
In this article, I will talk about setting clear boundaries with yourself.
The red flags remain the same, for if you have unclear boundaries with others, then you are also likely to have unclear boundaries with yourself.
This can lead to fatigue, burnout, resent, depression, and anxiety amongst other indicators that there isn’t a healthy relationship with clear and appropriate boundaries.
Do you often regret the decisions you make about your health and life?
Do you feel like you are a bit of a pushover, a doormat that everyone seems to walk all over?
Are you a yes person that is petrified of saying no? (This includes saying yes to that extra biscuit when you know you need to say no!)
Do you feel suppressed and/or unheard?
Do you go the extra mile and feel that it isn’t reciprocated?
Do you keep going past the point of exhaustion in order to maintain your self-worth?
Does busyness keep you going long past the time that other family members are taking time to relax?
Do you feel overwhelmed with responsibility?
These can all be indicators that you don’t have sufficient clear boundaries in place that respect your own needs.
So how do you change it?
Know what your boundaries are. A good guide is - notice when you get irritated, disappointed or frustrated.
Reflect on your daily activities and see what could improve. Write out the times when you have felt walked all over or you have pushed yourself too hard and then write what you are going to do differently next time.
Look at how others manage their time, mental health and happiness, could you model some of their boundary setting behaviours?
Analyse the times when you said yes and you wished you had said no. See what you could have done differently. This includes yourself as well as others.
Have the courage to tell yourself to stop. You deserve to rest, say no, voice your feelings or whatever else it is that you are supressing.
Set boundaries with yourself. Time orientated if you are known to work too hard.
Give yourself permission to say the following: Can I get back to you on that?
Give yourself permission to say no.
Set yourself some goals and stick to them.
If you hear yourself say :I wish I had…..’ (then whatever comes next is a boundary violation) then make it a must that you won’t repeat it again.
Learning to set boundaries is a skill. Coaching and therapy can help you achieve your goals quicker but you can also do this for yourself if you have the ability to self-reflect and make changes autonomously.
We are creatures of habit, so unless you break and change the limiting habits of your behaviours then nothing changes. And remember that each step towards a better you is a win.