Guilt And Letting Go

Autumn is all about letting go, as we look out of our windows, we can see how easily the trees let go of their leaves in readiness for dormancy in Winter, knowing that after a few short weeks, new beginnings and new growth will occur.

We, humans, are also intrinsically linked to the seasons, although modern living has detached us somewhat from aligning with the seasons, we are all still a part of planet Earth and its influences. You only need to research the origins of the word ‘lunatic’ and countless reports of an increase of ‘lunacy’ around the full moon to understand that we cannot escape being a part of nature.

Guilt is one of the most powerful emotions usurped only by, in my opinion, shame. Brené Brown has researched emotions for decades and details the human experience at length in her book Atlas of the Heart. Although many people consider guilt a negative emotion, Brené Brown describes guilt as an emotion that causes discomfort as it indicates that we have done something against our own values therefore providing an opportunity to reflect on our actions and modify them thus providing an opportunity for growth and personal development.

What causes guilt?

Below are some instances where guilt may be created:

·         Violation of Personal Values - Guilt often arises when individuals believe they have acted in ways that go against their personal values, moral principles, or ethical standards. This feeling can stem from a sense of internal conflict between one's actions and their own sense of right and wrong. For example, you value loyalty but have been disloyal.

·         Harming Others - When people believe they have caused harm to others, whether intentionally or unintentionally, guilt can emerge. This is often linked to empathy and the understanding of the impact of one's actions on someone else's well-being.

·         Societal Norms and Expectations - Societal and cultural norms play a significant role in shaping how people perceive their actions. Deviating from these norms or failing to meet societal expectations can lead to feelings of guilt due to the fear of social disapproval or rejection. For example, the great British queuing societal norm and you jump the queue.

·         Responsibility and Obligation - Guilt can stem from a sense of responsibility and obligation toward others. People may feel guilty if they believe they have not fulfilled their duties or obligations to family, friends, colleagues, or the community. For example, you value timeliness but a very late to an important family gathering.

·         Self-Conflict - Guilt can arise when there is a perceived conflict between one's ideal self (the person one wants to be) and their actual self (their current behaviours and actions). This mismatch can generate feelings of guilt as individuals feel they are falling short of their own standards. This often crops up with the situation of over or under-eating.

·         Regret - Guilt can be closely linked to regret, especially in situations where individuals believe they could have made different choices that might have led to better outcomes. This regret can manifest as guilt for not making the "right" decisions.

·         Fear of Punishment - Guilt can be associated with the fear of punishment, whether it's from external sources like authority figures, or self-imposed punishment due to negative self-judgment. For example, most times that you hear the word ‘should’ about something you feel obliged to do, there is a perceived underlying fear of punishment.

·         Unresolved Conflicts - Unresolved conflicts and tensions, whether internal or external, can contribute to feelings of guilt. These conflicts might involve relationships, personal goals, or past events.

·         Cognitive Dissonance - When there is a discrepancy between one's beliefs and behaviours, cognitive dissonance occurs. This inconsistency in beliefs versus behaviours can lead to guilt, prompting individuals to reconcile their thoughts and actions. For example, believing that you are a religious person but not acting per that belief.

·         Empathy - Guilt can be a result of strong empathy, where individuals feel the pain or suffering of others and experience guilt for not being able to alleviate that suffering. Over-concern for the welfare of others can also create empathic guilt.

It's important to note that guilt can serve both adaptive and maladaptive purposes.

·         Healthy Guilt (Adaptive Guilt) - This type of guilt serves a constructive purpose. It arises when a person recognises their wrongdoing and takes responsibility for their actions. Healthy guilt can prompt individuals to reflect on their behaviour, make amends, and try to avoid similar actions in the future. It's an essential aspect of moral development and ethical behaviour.

·         Unhealthy Guilt (Maladaptive Guilt) - Unhealthy guilt, on the other hand, is excessive and disproportionate to the perceived offence. It can lead to self-blame, excessive self-punishment, and feelings of worthlessness. This type of guilt is not productive and can negatively impact a person's mental and emotional well-being.

Guilt only becomes problematic if it becomes excessive, a tool for self-punishment or we hold on to it, past its sell-by-date. When this happens, it becomes maladaptive, a self-protection mechanism that can trigger destructive behaviours and if left unchecked, can manifest in symptoms of the mind and body.

When we hold on to negative emotions such as guilt, the energy can be stored in our physical bodies and show up as physical or psychosomatic symptoms. If you’ve read any books by Dr Gabor Mate or Bessel Van Der Kolk or any trauma-informed somatic authors, you will already be aware that their research has shown that many illnesses stem from the inability to release and let go of emotions from the past.

Guilt in the physical body

Dr Edward Bach talked of emotions relative to the physical body. Using the body map from Bach Remedies, guilt is associated with the waist area on the left side.

In my experience, guilt can be held in any area of the body, this opinion is supported by the work of Laura Shipp (Soma Psych Alignment) and Dr Bradley Nelson (The Emotion Code)

Letting go of guilt

The obvious solution is to learn to let go of guilt as quickly as possible. Easier said than done for some. Recognising that you feel guilt without judgement does tend to allow it to slide off rather than stick because adding shame to guilt creates a powerful negative experience which is more difficult to process and release.

Having a good emotion hygiene process is key for everyone and applicable to all emotions, not just guilt, you’ll probably already be good at processing and releasing lots of unhelpful emotions, and perhaps some helpful ones too!

Practical suggestions to let go of guilt

·         Acknowledge and Accept - Recognise your feelings of guilt and accept them as a natural response to your actions. Avoid suppressing or denying your guilt, as this can make it more difficult to address.

·         Understand the Source - Reflect on the situation that triggered your guilt. Understand what actions or decisions led to these feelings and why they are causing you to feel guilty. Is this adaptive or maladaptive guilt?

·         Take Responsibility - Accept responsibility for your actions if you were indeed involved in causing harm or wrongdoing. Owning up to your mistakes is an important step towards resolving guilt. Taking responsibility for guilt that isn’t your fault is usually detrimental to one’s own mental well-being.

·         Apologise and Make Amends - If your guilt is related to hurting someone else, consider apologising and making amends. This could involve a sincere apology, offering help, or taking steps to rectify the situation.

·         Learn from Mistakes - Use the experience as an opportunity for personal growth. Learn from your mistakes and make a conscious effort to avoid repeating them in the future. Humans make mistakes, so please be accepting of your mistakes.

·         Practice Self-Compassion - Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend. Remember that everyone makes mistakes, and you're not defined solely by your actions.

·         Engage in Positive Actions - Counteract the feelings of guilt by engaging in positive actions. Volunteering, helping others, or contributing to your community can help you focus on making a positive impact.

·         Mindfulness and Meditation - Practices like mindfulness and meditation can help you stay present and manage negative emotions, including guilt. They can provide a space to observe your feelings without judgment.

·         Seek Forgiveness - If your guilt is related to hurting someone else, try to seek forgiveness from the person you've hurt. Understand that forgiveness is a process and may not always be granted, but expressing your remorse can be important.

·         Set Realistic Standards - Sometimes guilt can stem from having unrealistic expectations of yourself. Remember that perfection is not attainable, and it's okay to make mistakes.

·         Focus on the Present and Future - While it's important to learn from the past, dwelling on it excessively can hinder your progress. Shift your focus towards the present moment and your future actions.

·         Engage in Self-Care - Taking care of your physical and emotional well-being can improve your overall mood and resilience. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation.

·         Professional Help - If your feelings of guilt are overwhelming or persisting, consider seeking support from a therapist or counsellor. They can help you explore these feelings and develop coping strategies.

Using Bach Remedies to Release Guilt

Bach™ Original Flower remedies are a range of 38 flower essences made from wild flowers, trees and bushes, capturing the positive potential of the plants they’re made from. Dr Bach devoted his life to exploring the use of flowers and plants to create a simple, natural and gentle approach to emotional balance.

Bach flower remedies can help deal with and clear emotional/negative emotional and mental states. Their power to resolve and help dissolve feelings of guilt, sadness, invalidation, grief, fear, and anger is quite amazing.

Pine – for guilt, unworthiness and self-reproach

Willow – for self-pity, hurt, blame, resentment and bitterness

Honeysuckle – for living in the past, bereaved, nostalgia

Crab Apple – for self-loathing

Agrimony – for inner turmoil behind a cheerful face

Gentian – for discouragement after setbacks, pessimism

Holly – for (self) hatred, hostility

Add a few drops of your chosen remedy to a glass of water,  4 times a day or you can speak to a qualified Bach Practitioner for a tailored blend based on your unique needs.