How to find yourself when you realise you’ve become truly lost
We all reach moments in life when we suddenly realise: I don’t know who I am anymore.
Maybe you’ve been living on autopilot, pleasing others, meeting expectations, keeping peace, until one day, you look in the mirror and barely recognise the person staring back.
It’s not a failure or a crisis. It’s a wake-up call, a chance to pause, reflect, and begin again.
When you feel lost, a self-reflective question to ask yourself is: “what might have led you here”
Feeling disconnected from yourself doesn’t happen overnight. It’s often a slow drift caused by a combination of experiences and influences, such as:
Childhood trauma or conditioning – early experiences can shape beliefs about what’s acceptable or “safe” to be.
Controlling or coercive relationships – when your focus is on keeping others happy, you can lose sight of your own needs.
Escapism or distraction – constantly avoiding reality through work, social media, or fantasy can disconnect you from your authentic self.
Over-pleasing and over-performing – living for others’ approval while ignoring your inner voice.
At some point, the exhaustion of living for everyone but yourself becomes too heavy to carry. And that’s where courage steps in, the courage to let go of what no longer benefits you.
Letting go doesn’t mean giving up. It means releasing what’s holding you back, so you can make space for who you truly are.
Signs you may have lost touch with yourself
Here are some common indicators that you may have become disconnected from your true self:
You often say “I don’t know” when asked about your preferences or feelings.
You let others make decisions for you, then feel disappointed with the outcome.
“I don’t mind” has become a way to avoid conflict or responsibility.
Routine feels safer than choice - you fear making the “wrong” decision.
You rely heavily on others’ opinions before taking action.
You fear being wrong or judged.
You consistently put others’ needs above your own.
You struggle to believe you’re equal in value to the people around you.
If this resonates, you’re not broken - you’re just out of alignment. It’s a sign that your true self has been silenced under layers of expectation, fear, or habit.
How I found my way back to myself
My own journey began not with a dramatic moment, but with quiet realisation. I was constantly critical of myself, setting impossibly high standards and feeling unworthy when I couldn’t meet them.
So, I started small - with the voice in my own head.
Step 1: Changing the inner dialogue
I noticed how harshly I spoke to myself. I began rewriting those inner conversations — challenging negative self-talk and replacing it with something kinder, more realistic, and more mine.
Step 2: Reclaiming my beliefs
I questioned the beliefs I carried. Were they truly mine, or ones I had absorbed from parents, teachers, partners, or society? Many of them were never mine to begin with — and letting them go was liberating.
Step 3: Acknowledging my achievements
For the first time, I permitted myself to celebrate small wins instead of dismissing them.
Step 4: Nurturing my body and mind
I began focusing on my health - not to fit a standard, but to reconnect with how I felt in my body. Exercise, rest, and nutrition became acts of self-respect, not self-punishment.
Each step was a reminder that letting go of what no longer served me - harsh inner criticism, borrowed expectations, toxic routines - was not loss, but liberation.
Understanding the wholeness of you
To truly find yourself, you must look at every part of who you are:
your mind, body, emotions, and energy.
Science tells us we have multiple “brains”:
The head brain, for thinking and reasoning.
The gut brain, which affects emotion, instinct, and digestion.
The heart brain, which influences empathy and emotional connection.
When one of these areas is neglected - mentally, physically, or emotionally - it draws energy from the others. That’s when you feel drained, confused, or lost.
Caring for yourself means nurturing all parts of you - and having the courage to release anything that depletes those systems: toxic people, unhealthy habits, even your own limiting thoughts.
Steps to rediscover who you are
Here are some practical ways to start reconnecting with yourself:
Make small decisions that benefit you. Start with something simple - what you want to eat, wear, or do today.
Be honest about what you want. No more “I don’t mind.” Your preferences matter.
Set and protect boundaries. It’s not selfish; it’s self-respect.
Allow others to feel uncomfortable as you grow. Change often challenges those who benefited from your old self.
Choose your company wisely. Spend time with people who energise, not drain, you.
Release unbalanced relationships. If it’s one-sided, it’s time to let go.
Do more of what lights you up. Joy is a compass — follow it.
Step out of your comfort zone. Growth happens where curiosity meets courage.
Let go of perfectionism. You don’t need to be flawless to be worthy.
See challenges as growth opportunities. Criticism and conflict can become tools for self-awareness.
Above all, permit yourself to let go - of outdated versions of yourself, of others’ expectations, of the constant striving to “be enough.”
You already are enough. You’ve simply forgotten.
Resources that supported my journey
Books and tools that deeply influenced my self-discovery include:
The Power Is Within You — Louise Hay
The Four Agreements — Don Miguel Ruiz
Untamed — Glennon Doyle
16Personalities
The Enneagram Made Easy
Each helped me see patterns and traits that shaped who I am. Explore them if they resonate - but remember, your path will always be uniquely your own.
Finding the courage to let go
Finding yourself isn’t about becoming someone new - it’s about remembering who you’ve always been underneath the noise of expectations and fear.
It takes courage to look within, but even greater courage to let go - of people, habits, and beliefs that no longer serve your growth.
When you begin to release what doesn’t benefit you, you create space for authenticity, peace, and joy to return.
Don’t hand the key to your happiness to anyone else.
Use it to unlock the door back to yourself.