A gas-lighter in divorce: extinguishing the self-doubt and questioning
Originally written in collaboration with Trethowans solicitors, Emilie Holland and I explain what ‘gaslighting’ is, how it affects relationships and how you can extricate yourself.
Gaslighting and divorce.
Just a few years ago the term ‘gaslighting’ was relatively unknown. Fast forward to the end of 2023 and it’s so common that divorce lawyers are increasingly teaming up with therapists to better understand the psyche of perpetrators and support victims.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in an individual or members of a targeted group, to gain power or control, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. The name comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, which features a husband’s systematic psychological manipulation of his wife, which eventually leads to her questioning her own sanity.
Nearly eighty years since the film, the phenomenon is rife. The issue was thrust into the spotlight five years ago through the most unlikely of mediums – ITV’s Love Island – when a male contestant was accused of the practice. The matter of gaslighting even went as far as Downing Street, with Theresa May pledging to toughen the law on the issue.
Now, support networks and lawyers are working together to reduce the fallout of gaslighting and better support victims.
From a divorce lawyer’s perspective, any ‘usual’ divorce, separation or dispute about children can be an emotive and testing time, but one which involves a person with gaslighting traits requires an enhanced level of care, management, and consideration. In these cases, it’s even more important to give the client extra support so they don’t fall foul of their ex-partner’s ways during the divorce process.
The ultimate goal in legal matters, particularly with a divorce, is one of achieving fairness and doing so must be based on real facts and not manipulated ones.
The key to approaching a separation that involves gaslighting is adopting a conciliatory and non-confrontational approach. Demonising and labelling a person can move the negotiator further away from understanding them and can ultimately inflame and prolong the conflict. It’s about dealing with matters as expeditiously as possible and striving to reduce the conflict, rather than fuelling the fire that surrounds it, that said, divorce lawyers must understand the psychology of an opponent so working with experts in the therapy and psychology fields gives an insight on how best to negotiate with a person with that particular mindset.
From my perspective, the first step for victims of gaslighting is understanding they are a victim. The very nature of the practice makes people question their own recollections of memories and events.
Tell-tale signs that you might be being gaslighted include questioning your judgement and thinking, feeling like you are going mad or ‘losing it’, being afraid of speaking up, walking on eggshells, and constantly seeking the approval of others, even going as far as needing permission for the most trivial of decisions.
When divorcing a gaslighter you need to understand their structure of manipulation and completely know that it’s not you – it’s them. Often, they are completely unaware of the consequences of their behaviours.
Warning signs that your partner may be gaslighting you:
· They deny events or occurrences that the victim experienced, making them question their memory or perception of reality.
· They may discredit your feelings, making you feel like your emotions are invalid or overreactive.
· They twist and alter the truth, altering information, and distorting facts or conversations, so you become unsure about what is true and what isn't.
· They shift the blame onto you, making you feel responsible for the issues in the relationship or situation.
· They might withhold information or provide selective details to manipulate your understanding of events.
· They may try to isolate you from friends, family, or support networks, making you more dependent on the gaslighter and less likely to receive outside perspectives.
· They may use contradictory statements or behaviours, causing confusion and making the victim question their understanding of reality.
· They may downplay your experiences or emotions, making you feel like your concerns are insignificant.
· They use what is most precious to you as a weapon against you to manipulate you.
· They may use their perceived superiority to edit and delete facts about money and events.
My role is to teach clients how to learn to trust themselves again, set clear boundaries with themselves and others, learn the art of saying no and recognise the signs of a healthy relationship – especially in times of conflict.
In ideal circumstances, the best option is to completely cut ties with the gaslighter as communication is a well-trodden path where you have learnt to be accepting of the gaslighter’s truth over your own. In many cases this is nigh impossible, or not until certain practical matters are resolved.
Minimising contact and making sure that conversations are witnessed or documented can go a long way towards you realising that they were probably right – maybe even most of the time. Being able to reliably recall accurate events from chronological notes will firmly put the manipulative behaviours back where they belong; with the person who is attempting to control the situation by gaslighting. Remember, the gaslighter comes from a place of believing the stories they concoct in their head and are often woefully unaware of their behaviours or the consequences of them.
After you have succeeded in distancing yourself from the gaslighter, one of the major hurdles to recovering and beginning to be able to trust yourself, your judgement, and others, and being able to move forward in maintaining healthy relationships is the ability to trust one’s judgement. The gaslighter has done an amazing job at teaching you, through manipulation, that you are ‘no good’, that you are ‘flawed’ or ‘broken’ somehow, that you are not capable of making decisions, are weak and need the ‘gaslighter’ to take care of you or you will be lost without them.
Being able to set boundaries is the next hurdle as all too often, you have become accustomed to your boundaries being ignored and trampled all over and have learnt that expressing your needs only results in conflict. Learning to say and mean no – without explanation sounds easy, but often isn’t.
If you believe that you have been affected by this, or other psychological manipulation and would like to get impartial support, help or advice, then please either contact me here to book a free discovery call or one of the many supportive organisations that are available. These include but are not limited to:
https://www.samaritans.org/
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
https://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/phone-the-helpline/
https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/