Recovering from toxic, coercive or controlling relationships
If you have ever experienced a relationship in which you are not allowed to be yourself, your opinions, desires, wants and needs are undervalued, dismissed or negated and you are made to feel the one who is always wrong, then you will know that it takes a lot to recover.
But what defines a controlling relationship? The description recognised as a criminal offence is ‘coercive control’ and is defined as:
An act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim. (https://www.womensaid.org.uk).
Other patterns of behaviour are ‘gaslighting’ a term that refers to trying to convince someone they’re wrong about something even when they aren’t. Most commonly, it takes the form of frequently disagreeing with someone or refusing to listen to their point of view. Many of us might be guilty of some mild form of gaslighting from time to time – refusing to hear what our partner has to say even if they’re in the right or persistently disagreeing over some minor quibble, even when you aren’t sure of your position. It’s mostly harmless, a form of pettiness – an unwillingness to be proven wrong. (https://www.relate.org.uk)
And the term ‘narcissistic is often used to describe somebody who is manipulative to their own end. In general, people with narcissistic personality disorder are those who are preoccupied with their own success and with a grand sense of self-importance that influences their decision-making and interactions. Narcissists find it difficult to build or maintain connections with others because of their manipulative tendencies and lack of empathy. They often feel entitled and lack compassion, yet crave attention and admiration. They can be overt and covert narcissists and not always the ‘in your face’ type that is stereotyped.
Being conditioned, over a long period of time, results in mistrusting ourselves, our own decision-making processes and we are no longer able to set clear boundaries - because we have none. We no longer know who we are, what we like/dislike, daring not to dream about fulfilling our own needs because they have been trampled over for such a long time that they are now buried deep.
Cracks appear in the very foundations of our being, levels of confidence and self-worth plummet as our sense of self is eroded away until it is a shadow of its former being. We become ‘yes’ people, having learnt that whatever we say is wrong anyway, so it is best that we rely on others to guide us. The problem with that is that we are not the same as those other people we consistently say yes to - about what to eat, what to wear, where to go, what to enjoy, what isn’t good, who we should meet and who shouldn’t be our friends. This leads to deep discontent and often depression, despair, fear and anxiety.
This level of control in a relationship is very damaging to self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence. If you are fortunate enough to have trusted friends and family to give you support, you can unlearn the conditioned behaviour and relearn more constructive ways of behaving and responding. If you haven’t, which is often the case as one of the things that controllers do is to cut their ‘victims’ off from their friends and family, it is wise to seek professional support and help.
Here are 5 tips to help you on your road to recovering from a controlling relationship:
It is because of who you are that you were sought out. Know that you were sought out (not intentionally but on an unconscious level) because of your qualities that make you who you are - you are compassionate, selfless, caring and kind, a giver, a peacemaker, a mediator. Strengths and qualities that are desirable. You are not flawed and you are not broken.
Recognise your own worth, your qualities and what you enjoy doing for you. Start writing a daily journal of things that a) make you happy; b) you are proud of yourself for; c) are looking forward to doing that day.
A controlling person needs to undermine others to raise their own self-esteem. Understand that the controlling person has a need to control others because of their own incredibly low self-esteem/worth and they tried to bring you down to their level. This means that you were more confident in the first place than they ever were. You were like it once; you can be it again.
Cut ties with the controlling person. If at all possible, cut ties with the controller. If reasonable to do so, cut ties cleanly and completely. It is the best and fastest way to recover but often easier said than done. If you have to maintain communication, learn to set clear boundaries, set them like non-negotiable goals and stick to them. Write them down and remind yourself of them regularly. If you need clarification that these boundaries are reasonable to check them with a trusted friend/family member.
Have trusted people that you can turn to for help and advice. Like you would teach a child to have ‘trusted’ people that they can turn to. Have your own list of trusted people (handy hint here, not the controller) that are your cheerleader, this is a must! If a person on your ‘trusted’ list doesn’t what the absolute best for you and your future then they are not on your trusted list. If they do not build you up, if they put you down (not the same as constructive feedback) then they are not on your trusted list. Ask for and accept help from your trusted list. It is very difficult to do this on your own.
If you have read this and feel like you or someone else you know needs some help and support to recover from a controlling relationship then please get in touch.