What is self-gaslighting?
The term gaslighting was originally coined from a 1944 movie ‘Gaslight’ in where a husband subtly turns down the ‘gaslights’ and then dismisses his wife’s observations as all in her head, causing doubt and confusion. He then goes on to do other things, such as hiding her keys and not owning up to it, in order to make her feel like she is losing her mind.
Gaslighting is anything that creates doubt, confusion and a questioning of reality. It is often unintentional but occasionally not.
As gaslighting is a recognised form of manipulation it is often associated with relationships, usually where one person in the relationship seeks to cause doubt, confusion and questioning of reality in the mind of the other in order to gain control over them. This results in a loss of self-esteem, confidence, and questioning over mental capacity for the person that is being gaslighted and a sense of control, grandiose and self-satisfaction for the gaslighter.
Gaslighting often takes the form of humour to deflect from the hurt caused. Comments such as ‘I was only joking, don’t be so sensitive’ to outright laughter to undermine and imprison the person in chaos and doubt are typical, resulting in shame and humiliation as the gaslighted person sinks deeper into the inability to believe their own thoughts, feelings or memories.
Self-gaslighting is when this behaviour is internalised. The perpetrator and victim are one of the same. Turning on the other without warning, undermining themselves and causing them to question their own decisions, feelings, thoughts and memories. This results in a lack of confidence and a constant state of fear of the next attack from within.
What does self-gaslighting look like?
Invalidation of feelings, for example, stating that they felt hurt by another person’s comments then immediately undermining or dismissing their own experience by following through with a comment such as ‘I’m probably making a big deal out of it’ or even laughing at themselves straight after expressing hurt.
Whilst we can all do this on occasion, when this internalisation of self-deprecation, undermining and dismissiveness is persistent and consistent over time, it has a negative and detrimental effect on the person’s mental and physical wellbeing.
How to recognise Gaslighting:
I didn’t mean it like that, you are exaggerating things as usual!
Don’t be so sensitive, you know that I don’t mean it!
If you were a better cook then this household would be much happier!
If you really loved me, then you wouldn’t be doing/saying that.
It’s all in your head!
How to recognise Self-gaslighting:
I am always overreacting/too sensitive/emotional/crazy mad!
I love them so I should do that for them/why did I do that to them?
I know that they love me really, they didn’t mean to do that even though it hurts.
It’s my fault anyway!
Maybe it is all in my head?
Healthy externalising affirmations:
I understand the original tone, words used and expression and know how I felt as a result of it.
My feelings, emotions and experiences are valid regardless of what others might say.
Nothing is all my fault, someone placing the blame on another doesn’t make it true.
I am enough!
Nothing is wrong with me, I am not flawed or broken, but this relationship is unhealthy.
Does self-gaslighting sound familiar? Is it something that you do to yourself on a regular basis? Then I invite you to begin to change that toxic relationship that you have with yourself that serves no positive purpose.
Pause for a moment, take a deep breathe and answer these questions:
How has gaslighting helped me in the past? Did it help me to survive or cope?
How is gaslighting harming me? Does it serve me anymore?
How can I learn to practice self-compassion? What can I start saying to myself that is encouraging, kind and supportive?
Get a piece of paper and write down the most common things you say or do to yourself that constitute self-gaslighting.
Then take another piece of paper and write down 4 qualities that you admire in someone that makes you feel good about yourself. For example, kindness, compassion, encouragement, honesty, and respect.
Then on that same piece of paper, rewrite the most common gaslighting statements you used to say to yourself that meet the criteria of the 4 qualities that are important to you. Place that piece of paper somewhere that you will see and be reminded of often.
Remember that we can all learn unhelpful strategies. These are usually learnt at a time of stress, toxicity or fear for survival and serve as a short-term solution to help us survive or cope. If you recognise that your relationship with yourself is self-harming then it is your responsibility to start making positive changes.
If you need help in changing these behaviours for the better then seek a coach or therapist. You can always book a free chat with me to talk it through.
For more information on other toxic behaviours such as:
Recovering from toxic or coercive relationships
Lifting the lid on Gaslighting
Your inner voice will be the most powerful voice you will ever hear