Life Stages and the Journey of Grief
In Chinese Medicine, Autumn is associated with the lungs and large intestine and our lungs are the seat of grief which prompted me to write about the stages of life and the journey of grief.
Life is a journey marked by various stages, each bringing its own joys, challenges, and inevitable losses. As we journey through these phases, we often encounter grief - a profound and complex emotional response to loss. This article explores the stages of life and how they intersect with the process of grief, offering insights into how our experiences of loss evolve as we age. At the end, I include a section on using Bach Remedies, a natural and holistic way of supporting human emotions.
The Stages of Life and Grief
How we experience and process grief can vary significantly depending on our life stage:
Childhood (0-12 years)
Childhood is a time of rapid growth, learning, and wonder. During this stage, children develop their understanding of the world, form attachments, and begin to grasp the concept of loss. While their comprehension of death may be limited, children can experience grief deeply, often in response to the loss of a pet, a family member, or even a favourite toy. Children's grief often manifests in behavioural changes rather than verbal expressions. They may regress in development, experience separation anxiety, or have difficulty concentrating. Adults need to provide clear, honest information and emotional support to grieving children.
Adolescence (13-19 years)
Adolescence is a period of significant physical, emotional, and social changes. Teens grapple with identity formation, increased independence, and a growing awareness of mortality. Grief during this stage can be particularly intense and complicated, as adolescents may struggle to process their emotions while also navigating the challenges of growing up. Teens may struggle with the intensity of their emotions and the desire to appear "normal" among peers. They might alternate between acting out and withdrawing. Grief in adolescence can significantly impact identity formation and future outlook.
Young Adulthood (20-39 years)
Young adulthood is often characterised by major life transitions such as pursuing higher education, starting careers, forming long-term relationships, and potentially starting families. Grief in this stage may stem from the loss of dreams or expectations, the end of relationships, or the death of older family members. Young adults may feel that grief disrupts their life plans and sets them apart from peers. They might grapple with feelings of isolation or the pressure to "move on" quickly. The loss of older family members can also bring a heightened awareness of their own mortality.
Middle Adulthood (40-64 years)
Middle adulthood brings a sense of stability for many, but also new challenges. This stage often involves caring for both children and ageing parents, career peaks or changes, and a re-evaluation of life goals. Grief during this period may be related to the loss of parents, peers, or even one's own sense of youth and vitality. In this stage, individuals often face the loss of parents or siblings, which can trigger a re-evaluation of life priorities. The grief process might be complicated by the responsibilities of caring for both children and ageing parents.
Late Adulthood (65+ years)
In late adulthood, individuals often face retirement, changes in physical health, and a shrinking social circle. Grief becomes a more frequent companion as the loss of friends, siblings, and life partners becomes more common. This stage also brings reflection on one's own mortality and the grief associated with the approaching end of life. Older adults may experience cumulative grief as they lose more peers and loved ones. They might also grieve for their own declining health and independence. However, life experience can sometimes provide better coping mechanisms for dealing with loss.
The Five Stages of Grief
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, in her notable work "On Death and Dying," proposed five stages of grief:
1. Denial: A temporary defence mechanism that helps us survive the initial shock of loss.
2. Anger: As reality sets in, we may feel frustrated and unjustly treated by life or fate.
3. Bargaining: A stage where we try to regain control, often through "what if" and "if only" statements.
4. Depression: A period of deep sadness and withdrawal as we begin to understand the true extent of our loss.
5. Acceptance: Not necessarily a happy stage, but one where we come to terms with our new reality.
It's important to note that these stages are not linear, and individuals may move back and forth between them or experience them in a different order. Some may not experience all stages, while others might encounter additional emotional responses not captured in this model.
The Ball in a Box
The "ball in a box" analogy is a way to describe how grief changes over time and can be triggered randomly. The analogy compares grief to a ball in a box with a pain button on one side:
Early stages: The ball is very large and takes up most of the space in the box, making it difficult to move without hitting the pain button.
Over time: The ball gets smaller, but it doesn't disappear completely. The ball hits the pain button less often, but it still hurts just as much.
Random triggers: The ball will still randomly hit the pain button, especially when you least expect it.
The "ball in a box" analogy can help people understand grief and process their feelings. It can also make it easier to talk about grief with friends, family, and co-workers.
Coping with Grief Across the Lifespan
While the experience of grief is unique to each individual, there are some general strategies that can be helpful across different life stages:
1. Acknowledge the loss - Recognise that grief is a normal and necessary process, regardless of age. Be open about your experiences to yourself and others.
2. Express emotions - Encourage the healthy expression of emotions through talking, writing, art, or other creative outlets. Seek professional support if you find this difficult.
3. Seek support - Connect with others who understand the grief experience, whether through support groups, counselling, or trusted friends and family.
4. Practice self-care - Maintain physical health through proper nutrition, exercise, and sleep, which can support emotional well-being. Often, this is the last thing you want to do but potentially the best thing you can do.
5. Honour memories - Find ways to remember and celebrate the person or thing that was lost, adapting these rituals as needed across different life stages. Acknowledge that anger is a natural part of grief and work towards moving past this - to remember the positives.
6. Be patient - Understand that grief has no set timeline and that healing is a gradual process. Everyone processes grief uniquely and there is no room for the word ‘should’.
7. Seek professional help: If grief becomes overwhelming or prolonged, consider seeking help from a mental health professional who specialises in grief counselling.
Introduction to Bach Flower Remedies
Bach flower remedies were developed in the 1930s by Dr. Edward Bach, a British physician and homoeopath. The system consists of 38 flower essences, each believed to address specific emotional states. These remedies can help balance emotions and support overall well-being.
Bach Flower Remedies and Grief
Bach flower remedies have several essences that may be helpful for those experiencing grief at any stage of life:
1. Star of Bethlehem: Often recommended for shock, distress and trauma associated with loss.
2. Sweet Chestnut: Suggested for deep anguish and feelings of extreme sorrow, there is no light left.
3. Pine: This can help with feelings of guilt that sometimes accompany grief.
4. Willow: Recommended for those experiencing bitterness or resentment in their grief.
5. Honeysuckle: Suggested to help those who dwell excessively on the past, are overly nostalgic and feel bereaved.
How Bach Remedies Are Used
Bach flower remedies are typically taken orally, either directly on the tongue or diluted in water. They can be used individually or in combinations. I often create personalised blends based on an individual's specific emotional state.
Benefits:
- It’s a gentle and non-invasive approach
- There are no known side effects or interactions with medications
- They can be used alongside other therapies or treatments
However, it's necessary to understand the limitations:
- There is a lack of scientific research evidencing effectiveness
- It’s not a substitute for professional mental health care or medical treatment
- It may delay seeking proven interventions if relied upon exclusively
The journey through life's stages is inevitably intertwined with experiences of loss and grief. As we grow and change, so too does our understanding and experience of grief. By recognising how grief manifests across different life stages, we can better support ourselves and others through the challenging process of loss and healing.
Remember that grief reflects our capacity for love and connection. It shows the depth of our relationships and the richness of our life experiences. As we journey through the various stages of life, embracing grief as a natural part of the human experience can lead to profound personal growth, deeper empathy, and a greater appreciation for the preciousness of life.
Finding strategies that help and support you is essential and remember, there is no shame in seeking help, and professional support in the complex journey of grief.
Resources:
https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/services/child-bereavement-service-general