Positive Affirmations and why they may not be working for you.
Have you tried positive affirmations and have felt that they just don’t quite work? Have you tried an app or used some of the many online lists of positive affirmations available and wondered what all the fuss was about? Were they:
Not believable?
Uncomfortable?
Slightly laughable?
Even cringe worthy?
Even though the science behind positive self-affirmations shows that making affirmations a daily practice, like brushing your teeth, has a tangible positive effect on your mental health, some people struggle with getting started, let alone making it a regular thing.
For positive affirmations to be effective, they need to have some key components in place.
1. They need to be about who or what you aspire to become.
2. They need to match your values.
It may be that the affirmations you have tried using are suggested by someone else. If this is the case, then the suggested affirmations might be based on their values – not yours. And as you are as unique as your fingerprint, this can be like stepping into somebody else’s shoes and wondering why they don’t fit and perhaps even feel uncomfortable.
Being clear about what you value will help you define positive affirmations that are useful to you, based on what you value and not what others value.
I’ve worked with many clients who have gotten frustrated and angry at their partners, simply because their values don’t match. It becomes a source of conflict and often end up in the relationship breaking down – usually due to a lack of understanding about our differences in what we value.
To help you understand what the meaning is behind the context I am explaining, I’ve written a list of values, or in the neuro-linguistic world ‘criteria’. It’s not an exhaustive list but covers the most frequently defined values that tend people express.
Acceptance
Accountability
Affection
Affirmation
Character
Cleanliness
Communication
Compassion
Compromise
Consideration
Conversation
Creativity
Curiosity
Encouragement
Finances
Forgiveness
Friendship
Fulfilment
Gifts
Honesty
Hugs
Humour
Hygiene
Intelligence
Intimacy
Kindness
Learning
Listening
Loyalty
Morals
Physical Touch
Quality time
Religion
Respect
Security
Self-improvement
Support
Tidiness
Trust
Understanding
This list is used for ascertaining what an individual values in themselves or others.
We value many, if not all the above, but some usurp others and typically we have 2-4 non-negotiable values that we are not willing to compromise in any way. Surprisingly, in relationships, hygiene or cleanliness is often one of those top non-negotiables and honesty and trust are not, usurped by values such as forgiveness and compassion and even humour!
For instance, if you value truth and you set a goal to become more energetic and healthier and it is a goal that you whole-heartedly want to achieve. If you affirm that you are an energetic and healthy person ‘I am an energetic and healthy person’ when you are currently tired and unhealthy, not only will you not believe it, but you will also disregard this completely, based on your values.
Changing this affirmation to ‘I am learning to be an energetic and healthy person by making better choices every day’ will be accepted and become a useful positive affirmation that will help you achieve the goal of being more energetic and healthier.
However, if you value trust and compassion and you affirm ‘I trust in myself and my feelings’ this will feel much more accurate and believable and therefore a positive affirmation that will serve to increase your sense of happiness and wholeness.
So, how do you work out what your top non-negotiable values are?
Quite often, you can work this out for yourself, by thinking about situations when you’ve become as mad as a box of frogs over something that is probably insignificant in the scheme of things.
What did you get mad about?
Lying, even a small white lie such as someone telling you they’ve emptied the bin when they haven’t.
Untidiness, persistently leaving the odd crisp packet or used tissue on the table or sofa.
Rigidity or inflexibility, not being open to considering others or their needs.
These are indicators that you value
Honesty
Tidiness
Compromise
Most certainly you value it more than the person you are annoyed with.
You can also work out your values by playing a A versus B game. Honesty versus Kindness, which one wins?
Working out your top non-negotiable is best done with a coach as we can often delete the non-negotiables as, in our eyes, they are given already, which will distort the outcome and only give you your important yet negotiable values.
If you’ve got to the end of this article and have found it of value (information and self-improvement is probably on your list of values) what I’d love you to do is to write down 3-5 positive affirmations based on these criteria:
The affirmation is something you want to achieve such as being healthier.
The affirmation meets your top non-negotiable values such as honesty, compassion, sense of humour. (If you value humour, then keep it light hearted and add some humour).
Then practice these positive affirmations, this means simply repeating them to yourself at a time when there are no demands, and you have some quiet time to do so. Waiting in the car at traffic lights, whilst brushing your teeth, just before bed are great times to do this.
Do this for at least 27 days and see what happens to your mindset.
And let me know how you get on!