Learning to set and maintain boundaries
Do you feel like you are a bit of a pushover, a doormat that everyone seems to walk all over, or even a yes person that is petrified of saying no?
There are many reasons why we, as adults, are unable to set boundaries or maintain them, allowing others to repeatedly violate them. Most of those reasons stem from learnings we made as a child and they can include:
Having siblings that were allowed to take your toys, clothes or personal items such as toiletries, and books, without asking and with no consequences.
Having a sibling or family member that was allowed to get away with teasing or physically taunting you went beyond a jovial nature.
A parent picking up after you, ordering food for you, and making decisions for you past the appropriate age to do so.
A parent or other family member barge into your bedroom, bathroom or personal space with the door closed without knocking first. Listen in on your phone calls, read your diary.
A parent who made choices or decisions for you about activities such as sports, music, topics at school or other hobbies.
If these kinds of occurrences were the norm within your family, you may have grown up unaware of the importance of personal boundaries, you weren’t afforded any and therefore didn’t learn how to set them or respect them.
You probably respect others’ boundaries for you have learnt how uncomfortable it is to have yours violated.
As you became an adult, challenges arose that you were ill-equipped to deal with, such as:
Having friends or relatives make a habit of dropping by uninvited, arriving early for a party, going through your cupboards without permission, and asking for favours that make you feel uncomfortable.
Having friends or relatives that expect you to drop everything your doing because they need you for something.
A partner or friend who just doesn’t want to share you with anyone else and behaves like a wounded animal if you make plans that don’t include them in all of your social activities.
Someone who buys the same things as you, copies clothing styles, home furnishings or even cars.
A partner opens your mail, reads your emails or texts, and goes through your wallet, purse or handbag without asking first.
Someone who screens your phone calls, or listens in, reads your diary behind your back.
Relatives or friends who give you unsolicited advice about your home, your children, your relationships or clean your house, rearrange your furniture, without asking. Or even demand to know about your finances, investments, expenditure on things like cars and holidays.
A boss who regularly expects you to give up your lunch break or stay late or even take work home without recompense, or has gone through your desk or work without permission.
People who ask you questions that are too personal, comment about your appearance in a critical way or touch you or invade your personal space.
These are all examples of boundary violations that most of us have experienced to a certain extent. Sometimes these things happen for an acceptable reason or are isolated or out of character in a given relationship.
However, if you are on the receiving end of multiples of the above that occur regularly then it may be more about your lack of boundary setting than others wilfully overstepping them. It’s a bit like imagining farmers fields with no fencing or boundary markers, who is to know that the land is private and not available for the public to explore and wander through? If you don’t lay out your boundaries to yourself and others then who is to know where your boundaries lie?
The first step towards setting clear boundaries is to know what yours are.
Set aside some time to reflect and ask yourself some questions like these:
What is causing me unnecessary stress or discomfort?
What do I look forward to each day versus what do I dread?
Who or what gives me energy?
What areas of my life do I feel exhausted by?
What makes me feel safe, supported, and valued?
Then you can begin to take steps towards communicating what is acceptable and what isn’t.
If you struggle with boundary setting then there are a number of ways to remedy this. I would recommend seeking help from a therapist as boundaries are complex and unique to you.
My Ultimate Therapy online Programme covers all aspects of discovering your boundaries and learning how to stop boundary violations from occurring by learning how to communicate clearly and with confidence. This can be accessed for just £49 and gives you lifetime access to all the materials covered which is equivalent to about 15 sessions with me. If you are interested in this then please book a free Discovery call to talk about this further.
You can also gain much insight from the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz or Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glower Tawwab