The psychological and physiological destructive cycle of shame.

We all know what shame feels like, that unpleasant self-conscious feeling where we are negatively evaluating ourselves for something we have done or said.

Often described as embarrassment, guilt, or humiliation - frequently felt in the pit of our stomachs – inescapable as it sticks like glue.

For those of us who have learnt to unstick ourselves from the embarrassing or humiliating events of the past, there is no destructive cycle. The skill of letting go of the past has been learnt and invariably the lesson has been learnt and the memory consigned to the archives of the past. Those people are rarely haunted by these memories and are usually confident and happy people.

For some people, the intense emotions of embarrassment or humiliation that create shame have a different outcome. Sticking to the forefront of our minds, reminding ourselves of the shame we experienced in the past, and usually as often as possible and whenever there is a similarity to trigger our unconscious.

This self-protective mechanism is designed to protect us from feeling the powerful and deep emotions of shame. We can all agree that it is deeply unpleasant. Yet as humans, we are bound to make mistakes, falter, do things which are embarrassing, to experience humiliation, it is part of being human. So why does it stick and reverberate like an echo, to remind us constantly, like background noise, that we could feel ashamed at any moment?

When this self-protective mechanism starts firing off under false activation, we also become hyper-vigilant for potential scenarios, doing whatever is necessary to protect ourselves from feeling ashamed. Invariably the false activations become more frequent, and more reactive until we find ourselves on high alert, anxious and depressed as we cannot escape the negative cycle or loop of hyper-vigilance, anxiety, an event that you believe that you have made an error, regret, or remorse, which then leads back to hyper-vigilance.

The effects extend far beyond unhelpful thoughts.

Our thoughts create feelings. Feelings, or emotions, create chemical and hormonal responses. Positive emotions create positive chemicals and emotions, and stress emotions (such as hypervigilance, anxiety, fear, panic, frustration, regret, remorse, guilt, and shame) create stress response chemicals and emotions.

Over time, if there is a consistent bias towards stress hormones and chemicals being produced, your body adapts to the permanent state of stress. You become less aware of the underlying stress however the effects it has on the body continue to hamper your body’s own natural healing system, your immune system, your reproductive system, and your endocrine system to name just a few. You may notice low-level fatigue, lack of motivation or interest in life, and apathy, you may lose your sense of fun, adventure, or joy. You may then start to notice physical symptoms such as abdominal discomfort, headaches, aches and pains that medical professionals can find no medical reason for.

Signs that you are stuck in this loop:

1. When you think about future events, you are constantly asking ‘what if’ questions that involve you making a mistake, saying something wrong, wearing the wrong clothes, getting a person’s name wrong etc.

2. After an event, you replay all the things that you said and did with a negative bias, looking for what you did wrong.

3. You make assumptions that people think the worst of you.

4. You view yourself negatively.

5. You have low self-esteem however others often compliment you or view you differently from how you view yourself, others have a much more positive view of you than you do yourself.

6. You are fearful of trying new things, going to new places, and meeting new people, for fear of what you might say/do or what others may think of you.

7. You compare yourself unfavourably to others.

This constant self-deprecating inner dialogue can become so monotonous that it is more like background ‘white noise’ that keeps the untrue beliefs about yourself alive.

Challenging this ‘saboteurial waffle’ is the first step to changing the narrative. To do this, first, you must be aware of the unconscious and unintentional inner dialogue that is playing in the background of your mind. You can’t challenge it if you are not aware of its content. Secondly, you need to be consistent and persistent in your quest to change it. It is simple to change it however it does take repetition that is consistent.

Here are my simple steps to overcoming the psychological and physiological effects of shame:

1. Challenge the thought – is it really true?

2. Use the Serenity Prayer, the past is the past, you cannot change it – is it helpful for you to keep going over it? Mostly the answer is no and therefore the only thing you are doing is harming your own physiology.

3. Don’t think that you have a crystal ball – if you hear the words ‘what if’ followed by anything negative about you or your actions then tell yourself to ‘stop’ you cannot predict the future.

4. Get into the habit of recognising what is good about you. Perhaps make a list of your positive attributes and remind yourself daily. A meaningful set of affirmations can make all the difference.

5. View your thoughts as food. You would go to great lengths not to poison your body with toxic or poisonous food, and treat your mind the same. If your thoughts are creating a toxic concoction of chemicals and hormones, then it is just the same as consuming toxic or poisonous food – it will have negative consequences for your mind and body.

6. Remember that to be human is to err. We all make mistakes, forget someone’s name, arrive at the right place on the wrong day, and forget something we have promised to remember (that was me today!).

7. Gain perspective by having a trusted person to gauge your own reactions by. Someone who accepts themselves, recognises their strengths and accepts their flaws. Someone who can laugh at their own mistakes whilst maintaining their own self-assuredness. Someone who isn’t fearful of making mistakes, getting things wrong and even occasionally making a fool out of themselves. Once you have identified this person, if in doubt ask yourself – would X be beating themselves up over this?

Put these steps into practice, and do them every day and given time one thing is guaranteed – things will change. This is because your brain behaves like a muscle, the more you exercise it a certain way, the stronger it becomes.