My journey in overcoming a fear of flying
Below, I share a story written by someone who I have the greatest respect for. They have been determined to overcome a fear of flying that had become very limiting. I asked them to share their story so that others may take away something meaningful for them.
Although Hypnotherapy is often a rapid way of resolving fears and phobias, it isn’t a one size fits all and I felt it important to share an alternative experience so that those who may not yet have found a way to reduce their anxieties have hope that they too can find a way.
I have been an anxious flyer for as long as I can remember. As I child I hated the take-off and landing but was fine for the rest of it. One of my earliest memories was thinking that the wing was falling off when I was around 8 years old as I didn’t understand how the plane worked. I did a lot of long-haul travel as I grew up in Canada, but my mum is from the UK, so we visited a lot, culminating with us moving to the UK when I was 15 in 1996.
As an adult, I flew with minimal fuss, just my usual nervousness over take-off but we had lots of trips, even as far as Australia with our two-year-old in 2012. Over the last 4-5 years my anxiety has grown worse each time I’ve flown such that this past year, I experienced dreadful anticipatory anxiety for weeks before each flight, making it hard for me to eat, sleep, work and interact with my family and friends. It also meant I couldn’t fully enjoy the trip that I was on as I’d be anxious for the journey home.
In June, I went to Paris with some friends for me to practice flying again post-pandemic and, although the flight itself wasn’t too bad, I was in tears for the whole weekend about coming home. 6 weeks later I went on my dream holiday to Iceland and during those 6 weeks between the trips, I thought daily about the plane trip I would have to take – it would be the first thing I’d think of every morning. We were in Iceland for a week and from the third day, I began thinking of the trip home. My husband thought I was angry at him as I barely spoke for the last two days of the holiday. I felt so much guilt that I got to experience such amazing things but couldn’t actually enjoy them properly. On the flight home, I told myself if I arrived safely, I wouldn’t fly again (a very upsetting concept for me as I love to travel and especially thinking I would not visit home again (Canada)).
This had a big impact on my mental health. I’m not a person that likes to be held back by anything and I felt like I was being defeated by this fear that no one else seemed to have in such a debilitating way. I had many travel plans for after Covid and I love to see the world and am lucky enough to now have the financial means to do so. I felt guilty that I was holding my family back from having travel opportunities, from visiting family and friends that live abroad and, although my husband said he was fine to have driving/ferry holidays when he saw how upset and anxious I’d become over flying, it would mean countless hours in the car infringing on our holiday time and, as we both work, we want to make the most of our annual leave.
My physical health also suffered, as when I was experiencing anticipatory anxiety: my heart was continually racing, my stomach hurt with butterflies, I drank more alcohol than usual to cope and my sleeping and eating patterns deteriorated.
I looked into my first therapeutic intervention in 2018 after a flight to/from Spain, during which I was anxious during the entire flight for the first time, but still had minimal anticipatory anxiety. I did the Virgin Flying Without Fear course, which was really useful in learning about the technical side of the airplane/flying and some of the psychological elements behind phobias. After that course, I did two long-haul flights - in 2018 to Canada and in 2019 to America and for some reason, this is when my anticipatory anxiety began to creep in. It may have gotten worse during the trip to Canada because I was flying alone for the first time, and I felt very far away from my family when I was there. During the America trip, I gave myself huge anxiety prior to the outbound flight by checking the weather and realising there would be 50 mph winds the day I travelled. On the return trip, we were staying opposite the runway of Boston airport, and I saw planes continually landing and taking off for 3 days, which I thought would be a positive experience but was actually incredibly anxiety-inducing as I constantly feared one of them would crash. Our homebound flight was also cancelled, and we needed to sort out a new one and I am very particular about the times and airlines I would fly on (control issues!) so I had booked a day flight with this in mind (most flights coming this way are night flights).
So, I was in a pretty bad head space about flying and then the pandemic hit, and I didn’t need to fly anywhere for a long time. However, my husband flew for work in November 2021, and I was tracking his flight (another anxiety-led thing) and the landing had to be aborted. Obviously, I had no idea what was happening, but I freaked out and thought something terrible was going on. I now know that the ‘go-around’ is a very routine thing, and he was in no danger at all, but I realised I had to try and get a handle on this fear.
I knew I needed to make massive change when I realised that this fear was controlling me rather than the other way around and I do not want that.
I then began a course of hypnotherapy in January 2022, which was useful in identifying some childhood issues that are likely to be the root cause of my fear of flying. However, as I didn’t have a flight booked immediately after this course, I don’t feel it was of particular benefit in tackling my particular fear, although it did give me some more insight into my childhood. After my flight to Paris in June, I did a course of IEMT, which again identified that the same issues arising from my childhood are likely to be linked to my fear of flying. However, like hypnotherapy, it didn’t seem to help directly with my fear of flying.
As a bit of background relating to the possible root cause of my fear that various forms of therapy identified: I moved to the UK with my mum and brother when I was 15, at a vulnerable time in my life. I left the only home I’d ever known, my friends, family, pets, and one of my parents. I boarded the plane to the UK in the most despairing and devastated state I’d ever felt in my entire life – I still consider it the worst day of my life so far. Through therapy (talking with a psychotherapist - which I’ve done since 2017, the hypnotherapy and the IEMT), I’ve been able to identify some thoughts and feelings about why this might have contributed to my fear of flying. The day I left Canada was one where the door closed on one life and opened on another (not necessarily for the better in my mind). I had the feeling there was no going back. I think my brain thought that the plane was the thing taking me away from a place I loved and the further we went, the further away I was from my old life. Maybe this was the trigger – associating plane travel with going away from something rather than towards something, associating plane travel with good-byes rather than hellos. My fear of flying is predominantly due to lack of control and lack of trust – feelings that I experienced a lot in my teenage years.
Reflecting back, I feel that everything, in combination, has helped a little with me chipping away at the fear and understanding why it may have developed; however, I have to work on changing my mindset around flying to address it long-term as my brain has become very good at being scared to fly. I understand now that, for me, there is no quick fix, particularly for a deep-rooted psychological fear. I have joined a fabulous group called Lovefly on Facebook, which is run by Paul Tizzard, who was the organiser of the Flying Without Fear course I attended. Paul advises that you take little steps to walk towards the fear – it's not easy but I am feeling more positive that I will be able to fly confidently one day. I may never love it but hopefully I can do it with a much-reduced level of anxiety and be able to enjoy travelling again.
They have free podcasts, webinars, and other online courses available, all of which are brilliant. I enjoy listening to the podcasts with the pilots to understand more about their high level of training, the many backup systems in place in an airplane and hearing about their passion for flying and how they obviously wouldn’t do the job if they thought it was dangerous – they have families too! Paul also interviews other fearful flyers and what has helped me most is knowing that I’m not alone – that others out there feel exactly the same way. It’s easy to think that your fear is worse than everyone else’s but that is simply not the case. Other members of the group also post about the flights they have taken and what coping strategies have worked for them. The support on there is really heart-warming and there are some very inspiring stories. I am immersing myself daily in the podcasts and exposing myself to positive stories about flying rather than trying to block it all out and panicking when I do have to take a flight.
The most recent step I took towards owning my fear was going up in a light aircraft two weeks ago. I contacted Go Fly Salisbury and explained about my fear. Their chief flight instructor kindly met with me one sunny Saturday and we had a great chat about planes and how they work, and he addressed any worries I had. I immediately warmed to him and his kind, compassionate and relaxed nature. He then showed me the aircraft and all the parts and controls and the many backup systems that are in place, even on a small aircraft. He asked me if I’d like to take a short flight. I was definitely up for that as I had complete trust in him by then – he was very chilled and so enthusiastic about flying, you could tell he loved it and knew exactly how safe it was. We got over to the runway (a grass field) and he announced that I was going to do the take-off! I thought he was joking but turns out he was not. I’m not sure about the technical terms but I pushed the stick to full throttle, and it got very noisy, we zoomed down the runway and I pulled back on the yoke and the nose lifted and we were actually flying! I was scared but calm as there was no place for anxious feelings when I was actually flying a plane! Obviously, my instructor had dual controls so we were never in any danger, but it was a very empowering experience that will stay with me forever. It’s hard to put into words how I felt when I was up there. It all passed in a blur as we only did a 15-minute flight, but I flew the plane for a bit and then the instructor took over and did the landing, which allowed me to have a gorgeous view over Salisbury and experience some of the true beauty of being up in the air out of the cockpit window.
It’s still early days in tackling my fear and I’m still not sure how I’ll be on a big plane and with all the associations that come with it (busy airports, security, packing, driving to the airport etc.) but I’m hoping to take a test flight in the New Year with a couple of members of the Lovefly community that are further along in tackling their fear and they have very kindly offered to accompany me. I really want to ‘test out’ whether the positive daily changes I have been making are working and to have the support of others who have tackled the fear on a flight will be fantastic, I’m sure. The lovely offers from the group members have actually really helped me with my lack of trust as these little acts of kindness make me believe that there is so much good in the world. The same goes for the very positive experience with my flight instructor giving up his time to help me.
Words of wisdom that I would give others who may resonate with my story is:
Don’t give up on yourself – if you really want to beat the fear, you have to believe in it 100%. Tackling the fear may be uncomfortable and you may want to run away from it but keep pushing through. To quote Paul Tizzard: ‘You must keep walking towards your fear’.
For anyone that may resonate with a fear or anxiety or other emotional issues that has developed through childhood trauma, 100% seek talking therapy with someone you are able to fully trust and open up to – you may have to try a few different therapists until you find the best fit, but it will change your life for the better. Again, this process will NOT be easy but will be so worth it for your long-term emotional health and happiness.
If I went back to the beginning, would I do anything differently?
This is the hardest question of all because often we cannot pin a phobia or emotional trauma on one particular event, so it can be very difficult to untangle the way the brain has developed, processed and amplified the fear/feelings and so you often don’t seek help until it is deeply embedded and then much harder to tackle.
If the fear does really stem from my childhood, there is nothing I could have done differently; however, actually just accepting that I was just a child and it was not my role or responsibility to solve the ‘adult’ problems, does give me a sense of peace. Also sharing my story, writing it down and owning my thoughts and feelings, rather than boxing them up or being ashamed is really helpful (whether in relation to flying or more generally).